Welcome to Heaven! To serve you better, access to the Divine Realm is provided courtesy of PearlyGates 3.1 by AccessWare! 

To continue, please choose a username. Please choose carefully, because once chosen, your username may not be changed for eternity.

> Mike Jones

I’m sorry, but usernames may not contain spaces, dashes, underscores, or special characters. Please choose a username.

> MikeJones

I’m sorry, but that username is already in use. Might I suggest MikeJones1874309?

> MikeJones69

I’m sorry, but that username is already in use. Might I suggest MikeJones8498211?

> MikeFuckingJones

I’m sorry, but usernames may not contain profanity. This is Heaven, not the other place! Please choose a username.

> MikeJones8498211

Welcome to Heaven, MikeJones8498211! An eternity of peaceful serenity awaits you! For security reasons, please enter your date of birth.

> May 15, 1979

I’m sorry, but your birthdate must be in the format DD/MM/YYYY. Please enter your date of birth.

> 15/5/1979

I’m sorry, but your birthdate must be in the format DD/MM/YYYY. Please enter your date of birth.

> 15/05/1979

Thank you! To open the Pearly Gates, enter the access code you were provided upon your death.

> |

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please enter the access code you were provided upon your death.

> What is my access code?

I’m sorry, but your response does not match our records. Please enter the access code you were provided upon your death.

> Lost access code

I’m sorry, but your response does not match our records. Please enter the access code you were provided upon your death. You have one attempt remaining.

> password

I’m sorry, but your response does not match our records. Your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 24 hours.

> Let me in!!!!

I’m sorry, but your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 24 hours.

> tech support

I’m sorry, but your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 24 hours.

> |

> |

> |

> help

I’m sorry, but your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 16 hours.

> |

> |

> |

> fuck

I’m sorry, but your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 3 hours.

> this

I’m sorry, but your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 3 hours.

> shit!

I’m sorry, but your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 3 hours.

> |

> |

> |

> Where do I find my access code?

It seems that you’re unable to remember your access code. I can help you with that. When you died, your life flashed before your eyes. Your access code is the title of the movie you saw on your second date with your first wife.

> Ratatooie

I’m sorry, but your response does not match our records. Please enter the access code you were provided upon your death.

> Ratatooille

I’m sorry, but your response does not match our records. Please enter the access code you were provided upon your death. You have one attempt remaining.

> Rattatouille

I’m sorry, but your response does not match our records. Your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 24 hours.

> Fuck this shit! I’m going to hell!!!!!

I’m sorry, but your account has been temporarily locked. Please try again in 24 hours.

---

Afterword

There are thousands of ideas about how you might enter the afterlife, and all are influenced by the time they’re conceived. I figured it was time for a modern take on the subject.

---

Copyright 2020 by Violet Beckingham, all rights reserved