One common thread in transfemme circles is someone posting a selfie that makes them feel dysphoric. The usual response is a bunch of people saying they don’t see a man in that pic. 

We all know trans girls who we see as very feminine, people who we think it would be impossible for anyone to see as male. But it is possible because that person sees it. We all see it in ourselves at one time or another. 

We spent a long time, sometimes decades, seeing our faces as male, whether or not we were conscious of the reason for our distress. I was over fifty when I realized I was trans. For five decades, I just thought I was a weird-looking, kind of ugly guy (but an ugly guy with nice blue eyes). 

Hormone therapy often seems like magic with all of the changes that happen, but our face remains our face, no matter how much more feminine it becomes. Since we spent so long thinking of our faces as male, the similarities connect us with our pre-transition period, even if those similarities aren’t particularly masculine. I have lines around my eyes. That happens when you get older, and doesn’t have anything to do with gender, but it’s one of the features that gives me dysphoria. 

At this point it starts to cross over from dysphoria to dysmorphia.

Ugh. Look at my masculine cheeks. And those manly shoulders. And that masculine chest. 

I know some of you are thinking, “Are you shittin’ me, Violet? There is nothing manly in that picture!” But I still see it sometimes. Yes, even when I look at my tits, even though I’ve outgrown my smallest bra.

I’m not the most feminine girl on the block, but I know I’m not seeing myself one hundred percent accurately. My self-image is changing. Every day I see myself more clearly. But it takes time, and I’m enjoying the ride.