It’s been two years since my life began, and I finally feel free.
Category: identity
Who Hatches the Egg?
Could an eighty-five year old story be a nonbinary trans analogy?
What I have to say about gender ideology
Pope Francis passed away on Easter Sunday, showing that the universe has a morbid sense of humor. Francis was considered by many to be a progressive Pope, but he had strong opinions on gender ideology. As you might imagine, so do I.
I think gender ideology needs to be eradicated. Watch this video and you’ll see why.
Shopping…in “boy mode”
A spontaneous video of me going out in “boy mode”
Where do they put the, um…
How does gender affirming bottom surgery work? Where do they get the new parts, and how do they put them on? This is a simple guide to bottom surgery for trans women and men.
HRT Notes: Ch-ch-ch-changes!
I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for ten months. Here’s a short summary of what has changed. Be forewarned: I talk candidly about specific body parts.
One year
Content notice: Contains joyful profanity.
It’s been one year since my life changed completely. Since it really started. On August 2, 2023, I was sitting at work, scrolling through Mastodon, when I saw a blog post by Doc Impossible that looked interesting. After clicking through Substack’s landing page, I ended up on her homepage, rather than the post I intended to read, so I decided to start at the beginning. Or close to the beginning. The first post I read was Part One: A Webcomic. I describe what happened next in great detail in My Awakening.
Since then, so much has changed. I met my best friend at the end of September. I describe why she’s such an amazing friend in 2023: The Year My Life Began. In the ten months we’ve known each other, we’ve become even closer, and she’s still the best friend I’ve ever had.
In October, I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). In December, I looked in the mirror and actually saw my true self. For years, I didn’t like mirrors because all I saw was a weird-looking person, but now I smile every time I see my reflection.
In January, I came out at work and started dressing in more feminine clothes. In February, I wore my first dress, and looked absolutely elegant. In March, I started wearing a bra to work every day because my boobs were obvious under my shirt. In May, I started wearing a wig every day.
A people person!
Since then, I’ve made more new friends who I talk to every day. I’ve become a very outgoing, social person. I frequently go out for dinner with a few local groups, and even go to parties. I never imagined I’d be this kind of person, although I always envied gregarious people. I used to sit at home all weekend, with the consolation that I wasn’t spending money by going into town. Now, if I have even one day on the weekend with nowhere to go, I feel anxious that I need to spend time with people.
I’ve developed my own makeup style, which gets compliments everywhere. I switch between several wigs, which also get frequent compliments. Some people even think my purple wig is my real hair!
I feel younger than I have in years. And apparently I look younger. I met someone several months ago who thought I was younger than he is. He’s thirty-eight! (And apparently nearsighted.) It’s fitting that someone would put me at that age, though; that was the age when I came closest to cracking my egg before retreating into the cave for another fifteen years.
I also feel healthier than I ever have. Shortly after starting my transition, I stopped eating meat at my best friend’s recommendation. My diet and my hormone regimen have both rejuvenated me. Before starting HRT, other trans women warned me that I’d probably gain weight. Instead, I lost a few pounds. Not stress eating is another part of my improved diet!
My tranniversary
Last Friday, I invited my friends out for dinner to celebrate my egg crack anniversary. We went to a vegetarian restaurant. We talked and laughed all evening. I thanked the universe for how lucky I am to be where I am today—not to mention how good I look compared to a year ago! I wore a new dress and a new wig, which my friends loved. After dinner, I went to the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Then I stared at my reflection. “Holy fuck!” I thought. “I look cute!” I took the second picture below before driving home. I took the first picture last August.
That’s a one year comparison. I can’t believe I used to look like that.
One year. Just twelve months, but it feels like I’ve lived more than I did in the previous twelve years.
Rocket Woman
I just saw a Facebook post about how fanfiction doesn’t have to be written in the same tone as the original work, especially if the original isn’t very deep. It … Continue reading Rocket Woman
Thoughts on Non-Monogamy
Polyamory is a term that is becoming more popular. But what is it, really? Does it actually work? Is every type of multiple relationship polyamorous? This post includes my thoughts on polyamory and other types of non-monogamy.
The Man in the Pic
One common thread in transfemme circles is someone posting a selfie that makes them feel dysphoric. The usual response is a bunch of people saying they don’t see a man in that pic.
We all know trans girls who we see as very feminine, people who we think it would be impossible for anyone to see as male. But it is possible because that person sees it. We all see it in ourselves at one time or another.
We spent a long time, sometimes decades, seeing our faces as male, whether or not we were conscious of the reason for our distress. I was over fifty when I realized I was trans. For five decades, I just thought I was a weird-looking, kind of ugly guy (but an ugly guy with nice blue eyes).
Hormone therapy often seems like magic with all of the changes that happen, but our face remains our face, no matter how much more feminine it becomes. Since we spent so long thinking of our faces as male, the similarities connect us with our pre-transition period, even if those similarities aren’t particularly masculine. I have lines around my eyes. That happens when you get older, and doesn’t have anything to do with gender, but it’s one of the features that gives me dysphoria.
At this point it starts to cross over from dysphoria to dysmorphia.
Ugh. Look at my masculine cheeks. And those manly shoulders. And that masculine chest.
I know some of you are thinking, “Are you shittin’ me, Violet? There is nothing manly in that picture!” But I still see it sometimes. Yes, even when I look at my tits, even though I’ve outgrown my smallest bra.
I’m not the most feminine girl on the block, but I know I’m not seeing myself one hundred percent accurately. My self-image is changing. Every day I see myself more clearly. But it takes time, and I’m enjoying the ride.
I Am Violet 