I’m taking a break from writing about my transition to write about another subject that’s always on my mind. Polyamory is a term that is becoming more popular. But what is it, really? Does it actually work? Is every type of multiple relationship polyamorous? This post includes my thoughts on polyamory and other types of non-monogamy. 

It’s not for everyone

The biggest issue, which affects all non-monogamous relationships, is jealousy. Non-monogamy definitely doesn’t work for everyone. The thought that gets in the way of fulfilling non-monogamous relationships is “Why aren’t they doing that with me?” 

Most people feel that they want to do what’s best for the people they care about. The small but significant mental leap required for a fulfilling non-monogamous relationship is that you want what’s best for your partner, regardless of who does it for them. 

Human beings are so complex, no two of us are quite the same. It’s not reasonable to expect one person to be everything another person needs. A non-monogamous relationship can strengthen your connection with someone because it allows both of you to have more of your needs met. 

Many people feel like they want to fulfill all of their partner’s needs. But you have to change yourself to do that. Some compromise is healthy in a relationship, but there comes a point where you start to lose yourself. If that happens, you stop fulfilling your own needs, and without that, you can’t be there for someone else. 

If you love your partner, you want them to be happy. And sometimes they need someone else to make them happy. 

Non-Monogamous Relationship Types

Polyamory is how I define my relationship style. If I’m close to someone, I want them to be happy. I want to be loved, but I also want my partners and companions to love others who make them happy. As I define it, polyamory is not primarily about sex. It’s about wanting the best for the people I care about. 

There’s also hierarchical polyamory. In that arrangement, people will have a primary partner, who they expect to be with for the long term, and who they probably live with. In addition to that partner, they have other people who they love, but there are often limits set on other relationships. 

An open relationship is similar to hierarchical polyamory, but usually the other relationships aren’t as emotionally intimate. It may just be about sex. If two people love each other, but can’t fulfill all of each other’s sexual needs, an open relationship could help both partners feel more fulfilled. 

Swinging is a specific type of open relationship. Most often, swingers are couples who play together with other couples. If they play separately, there are usually rules to avoid developing romantic feelings with their other partners. To me, swinging doesn’t feel like polyamory because the rules are centered in a fear of losing one’s partner to someone else, rather than accepting that they can love more than one person. 

Another type of non-monogamy is the “break.” Sometimes a couple will separate temporarily and have separate relationships. This can be a way for people to refresh themselves, to rediscover who they are without their partner. Sometimes this can bring people closer together, as long as they’re compatible as their whole selves. Other times, it can indicate that the relationship should end. 

At the bottom of the list is one-sided non-monogamy, where one partner pressures the other to accept a non-monogamous relationship. Such arrangements can work, but there’s a much greater chance of hurt feelings from the partner who was reluctant to open the relationship. If such an arrangement is initiated by a male partner in a heterosexual relationship for the purpose of having an excuse to sleep around, it often backfires because the female partner usually has an easier time finding playmates. 

In any non-monogamous relationship, letting go of jealousy and truly wanting the best for your partner is essential. If you find yourself setting a lot of rules for fear of losing your partner to someone else, it probably indicates a deeper problem in your relationship. 

Happily, but not ever after

Above all else, honest open communication is the most important thing in any relationship, monogamous or non-monogamous. If you’re afraid of saying what’s on your mind for fear of losing your partner, that’s all the more reason to speak up. If you’re not happy in your relationship, chances are your partner isn’t either. Complete, open communication is the only way to heal an unhealthy relationship. If such communication results in further discord, the best thing may be to end the relationship. 

Ending a relationship should not be seen as a failure. Some relationships are temporary; that doesn’t make them less meaningful. People change throughout their lives (some of us more than others). Your relationship needs when you’re in your twenties are probably different from your needs in your fifties. Sometimes both partners change in a way that’s compatible, but sometimes they don’t. 

Not only do your needs change; so do you. As you grow as a person, you may discover that your partner hasn’t grown in the same way. Growing apart causes heartache for many people, but it’s important to focus on the fact that you have grown. If that means your relationship ends, then it’s the end of that chapter of your life. 

Whatever type of relationship you have, it’s important to be your authentic self. That’s a lesson that may take years to learn and to truly internalize. I didn’t feel complete in myself until I started my transition. Fully discovering yourself when you’re older can be daunting. Dating when you’re over fifty is challenging enough; finding compatible partners when your entire identity has shifted is doubly so! 

For that reason, it’s essentially important to be comfortable on your own, to feel complete without needing another person to complete you. When you achieve that, you have so much more to give others. You’ll stay in a relationship because you want to, not because you need to. And when you’re truly complete, there will be enough of you to share with more than one person, and to experience the compersion of seeing your loved ones happy with other people.