This post was originally published on my Substack blog on August 20, 2023.

Note: This article includes straightforward but non-explicit descriptions of kinky activities. It also mentions the word “sex” several times. You should be okay unless you’re too normal.

I’ve been socially transitioning for two weeks now. Officially, anyway. Looking back on the last couple of years, my interactions with the women in my life have been transitioning for quite a while. Dropping my “social shield” when talking to my friends was so liberating, it made me feel almost like one of the girls.

And despite the oh-so-subtle feminine affect I let show, no one thought I was weird. Everyone thought I was normal.

One of my coworkers used to get an artistic manicure every week or two. Her nails always looked fabulous. Every time I went to her office to talk about a project, I totally fan-girled over her nails. I hadn’t realized I was interested in nails because, after all, I was a man. But she talked about them with enthusiasm, as if my interest were completely normal.

When I met moved to Vancouver, I made a new best friend. She is so awesome*, and one of her awesome aspects is her taste in shoes. I never knew I had an interest in women’s shoes until I met her. I went completely gaga over several of her pairs, which are so darn cute. And her work boots…I was so disappointed they only come in a B width so I can’t commit my soles to them. She thought I was normal too.

Earlier this year, when I firmly committed to myself that I was not going back into the closet from which I was finally emerging, I dyed my hair bright purple. I was a little anxious when I went to work the next day, but the most dramatic reaction I got was “Hey! Your hair is purple!” When someone new comes into the building, they don’t react at all. To them, I’m perfectly normal.

So what is normal?

“Normal is what everyone else is and you’re not.”

– Soran

When he said that, Malcolm McDowell’s character was trying to intimidate someone who looked different from everyone else. The deeper meaning is that we all have thoughts, feelings, and desires that we think are uniquely ours. We’re afraid to show them because we think they’re not normal. But if everyone shared their “abnormalities” at once, we’d probably find that they’re not as unique as we thought. In fact, they’re quite normal.

What’s that? Not you? You think I’d blush if I knew half of what you’re thinking? One of the best ways to get in touch with the normality of your weirdness is to join your local kink community. Yes. Those weirdos. Even if you’re not into stereotypical kinks like bondage and spanking, you will eventually find someone who shares your kink. Even if you enjoy having your toes painted green and slapped with a rubber band. Even if you enjoy sniffing other people’s knees. Even if you enjoy wearing white after Labour Day. And you’ll have so much fun, you’ll realize how normal we weirdos really are.

The truth is, no one is a carbon copy of anyone else, but at the same time, our unique quirks are similar enough to someone else’s unique quirks that we can all find a community. We all like things that we think other people think are strange, and we all try to fit in. To be normal. But guess what:

Normal does not exist.

Normal is an illusion created by our insecurities. It creates a wall between each of us and the rest of the world. It’s time to embrace weirdness. Your unique weirdness that, despite its uniqueness, will make someone somewhere say, “Hey! I can relate to that!”

Gender Norms

Sex!

Did I clear the room? Did anyone who stayed for the kinky talk get scared by the mention of the critically important biological activity that allows life on Earth to continue?

Sex is so important for our survival, it always boggles my mind that it’s such a taboo subject. That’s why discussion of gender tends to be uncomfortable in some environments even though gender has nothing to do with sex.

Nothing? Not even a little bit? Not really. Who we are, who we’re most comfortable with, how we behave in certain groups, what we wear, and what we’re interested in have nothing to do with the ins and outs of furthering the species.

I could dive into a deeper explanation of the nature of gender, but someone else has already done it far better than I ever could. This would be a good time to pause reading this post and go read this other one.

Is everyone back? Great. She’s amazing, right?

Where was I…

Sex and gender get conflated because for most of the population, their gender corresponds to their assigned sex at birth in a way our society has come to accept as normal. Could any other way be normal? Could “normal” men wear dresses and pantyhose? Could “normal” women be fearsome warriors and lead armies? Could “normal” transgender people be accepted in society without so much as an eyeblink?

Of course, because all of those things have been the norm at various points in history in various societies.

The norms and taboos of our society are not a constant, unbending, fundamental foundation that would collapse our whole world if they shifted. On a broad time scale they’re a passing thought, a momentary lapse of reason. Attempting to make everyone conform to them is pointless because they’ll shift, if only slightly, in a single generation.

So embrace your uniqueness. And, yes, even your weirdness! The more authentically we all live, the more we will all feel…normal.

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*Yes, I know you’re reading this, and I know you’re blushing, but you are awesome!