This post was originally published on my Substack blog on August 20, 2023.

I’m having a strange day. It’s not a bad day, but it’s also not a good day. A thought came to me when I realized I was going to put on my sandals to take out the garbage, exposing my painted toenails to the world for the first time.

Well, to the part of the world between my back door and my dumpster, showing them to probably 0.2 people at this time of day.

Right now I’m on the edge of wanting so badly to be seen, but also wanting to be able to hide in the man suit that everyone is used to. The last time I was on this edge, I dyed my hair bright purple. I love the color, so I’ve kept it for five months now. And I’ve had nothing but compliments.

I’m not hiding who I am inside anymore, and despite a sudden shift in my voice and mannerisms as a result, no one has said anything negative, in public or at work.

I know I don’t have to hide, but this man suit feels so comfortable. The main character in the novel I’m writing seeks comfort in her old persona’s worn old sweatshirt after her abrupt, unintended transformation. This morning I put on the old sweatshirt I was thinking of when I wrote that scene.

Sometimes we try to linger on the edge, deciding which way to go. But the thing about edges is, you can’t balance on one forever. I already know which side I’ll step off. But my sense of balance is pretty good, so I’m just going to stay up here a little longer.